Why Trade For Shaquille O'Neal?

by Christopher McIntosh
02/07/2008

Shaquille O’Neal’s listed weight is 325 pounds.

He’s over seven feet tall.

I’m sure many of you watched the Superbowl and were amazed by many things - Eli Manning’s double fourth quarter comeback, how quickly the smug look on the Patriots faces evaporated, the inexplicable decision to go for it on 4th and 13 (??!!) at the 31 rather than kick a 49 yard field goal indoors off of turf - but I doubt you noticed the dimensions of the offensive and defensive lines.

Unless of course you happened to be Tom Brady and you had to notice these things because A. your line apparently wasn’t big, strong, or athletic enough to protect you and your apparently more than “tweaked” right ankle and B. most importantly, you spent a great deal of time with the Giant’s defensive line either lying on top of you or busting you in the ribs as you attempted another wayward pass.

Why do I mention these things? Most of these guys - defensive and offensive lineman in the NFL - are considered the biggest and strongest athletes playing in America.

Shaq would dwarf them both by height and most importantly, by weight. That 325 may, and I say may, have been true at one point.

That point is not now.

But that’s not really news either. Media guides takes liberties with player’s dimensions? No way. Not here. Not in the greatest country in the world.

Brief sidebar: When I was in DC I was there at the same time that a little known goalkeeper was brought up to DC United back when they were winning everything in MLS. He was new to DC, well, okay, the country, and so would do what anyone would do when not working - what they usually do to have fun which for him was play soccer. At the same rinkydink complex I played at. I’m certain he was violating about 14 clauses in his contract, but the point is, he’s now the starter for Real Salt Lake and is listed at 5’ 10”.

I’m 5’9”. He was at least 2-3 inches shorter than me. So unless he’s been chugging bottles of HGH, even my own teensy-weensy experience is pretty dispositive on the value of media guides on these questions.

I would say we need to get our favorite rabble rouser journalist on this given that he’s uniquely qualified for this sort of work given his background in sports (they’re... not... gonna... get ‘em - and if you got that reference, you’re old like me and spent way too much time watching Sportscenter in the 1990s).

I’m speaking, of course, of Keith Olbermann. There’s one problem. He’s currently out 4-6 weeks with a broken arm from patting himself on the back. Say what you will about Mr. Olbermann, but there are times when that guy is on it. There also times he rants about the injustice of... of... whatever came through his Google News RSS feed that morning with the same fervor as he would have ranted about Watergate - even if it involves Jamie Lynn Spears.

See, on a nationally televised pre-game show, Mr. Olbermann months ago claimed that Eli Manning was turning the corner and becoming one of the great quarterbacks of all time because of his newfound ability to come from behind in the fourth quarter - comparing him to Elway, Favre, and Montana. And had stats to back it up. Most called him a lunatic. He stuck by his guns. And stuck by his guns. And stuck by his guns.

Went on record with a 27-21 Giants prediction despite a 12 point spread against him and most of the media thinking he was an idiot and not only was he right about the outcome, but the way the Giants did it was by coming back from a fourth quarter deficit not once, but twice.

So good luck with your arm, Mr. Olbermann. Maybe Bill O’Reilly will offer you some help. He’s also one of the few who picked the Giants.

Which brings us back to the original point. Stated numbers lie. The obvious is rarely so.

And most importantly, what seems like a great idea at the time... might not be (and I realize anyone who’s alcohol intake in one evening has numbered >2 already realizes this).

I just have one question: Why in God’s name did the Phoenix Suns trade for Shaquille O’Neal? It’s like a middle manager with a family of five getting an unexpected bonus and then using it for a down payment on a Mini Cooper. “Don’t worry honey, I know we can’t all fit in it at once and we’ll be paying for it for five years, but ain’t it something?”

The Suns are a soccer team. The play international, up and down, running basketball. They rely on finesse (although they certainly have athleticism), moving off the ball, and the ability of nearly every player to knock down shots.

Shaq is conservatively 340-350. He’s old. His joints are starting to remind him that as a rather large man running up and down a wooden floor, 82 games a year is not a pleasant experience. Does he seem the running type? Does he have much of a mid-range game? Can he get up and down the floor to finish fast breaks? What about moving off the ball?

Marion, by contrast, was so good at all of these things he was known as the Matrix. Granted he was not content and a bit of a poster child for the idiocy that is epidemic in the NBA. He once was stumped by an ESPN reporter asking him whether he’d rather win a championship playing second or third fiddle on the Suns - despite racking up serious numbers and respect - or drop 30 a game for a team that barely made the playoffs.

His response, “I’d have to think about that."

So I will grant Marion’s release could, could have been addition by subtraction (I don’t think so, but for the sake of argument). What does Shaq bring to the table, other than media love - okay, infatuation, reporters love Superman. I think they’re the only ones who saw Kazaam. Yes, I just made a Kazaam joke, but at least I didn’t bring up the Fu-Schnikens.

He’s big. He should be adept at getting them rebounds and providing a physical presence. There’s also that whole Andrew Bynum, Tim Duncan thing, too. And I get that. But this ain’t football. He can’t just play defense. He’s going to slow the team down when he’s on the floor no matter how good his outlet passes are. More importantly, he typically plays now to peak around playoff time, which means things like beating the opposing center downcourt, or trailing on breaks, aren’t always the first thing on his mind. How’s that going to fly on a team with Nash and Barbosa, no matter how much money they’ve contributed to the Shaq fan club?

Here’s the other thing. He talks about team a lot. He usually adopts a (definitionally) smaller player as a sidekick and may try that with Nash.

He may sit.

A lot.

It’s easy to say you’re willing to do that, but quite another to actually live up to it. It’s easy to talk about getting back into shape, but if you’re not a fan of the weight room or running around the track outside it, it’s quite another to actually do it. Plus, there’s the catch-22 of him playing himself back into shape. He could always do that before, but the Suns offense might be one where he has to be in shape before he can play himself into shape.

Of course, I could be wrong. Maybe Shaq-fu is the missing piece to put the Suns over the top. If we’re trying to extrapolate from past campaigns, I think it might have been the commissioner that was key, but what do I know.

I’m just a soccer fan.