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Brett Ratner's X-Men: The Last Stand

by The Bridge
05/28/2006

I am certainly not the best candidate to review a comic book movie. The only comic books I ever followed were "Archie" and "Josie and the Pussycats," and that was only when the grocery store didn't have a new issue of Mad magazine. Having said that, I am big into escapist entertainment, and I was a huge fan of the first two Batman movies. So it's not like I'm too good to dig a good comic-cum-popcorn flick.

All of this might sound like a prelude to seriously dissing director Brett Ratner's turn at the helm of the X-Men movie franchise. Well, I'll tell you, I'm definitely not going for heaps of golden praise here. I just got out of the theater, and I was really surprised to find, upon checking my cellular device (which I of course turned off as a courtesy to my fellow moviegoers), that the picture's running time was a mere ninety minutes or so. This, the third and supposedly final installment of the X-Men saga, commits what amounts to a mortal sin in the world of action-comic based movies: it drags.

Which I'll try not to do. The story begins with a brief recap, reminding us that Professor Charles Xavier (Patrick Stewart, who could play the lead in a Bozo the Clown biopic without compromising his dignity) runs a boarding school for mutants, who represent a small percentage of the population. They would be the percentage with a common genetic aberration (i.e. the "X" gene) that results in various individual superpowers. Naturally the object of much persecution and oppression, mutants have two different role models to choose from. Besides the telepathic Ghandi/MLK-ish Xavier, who aims for the peaceful assimilation of mutants into human society, there is Magneto (Ian McKellen, once again providing one of the few bright spots in a soggy summer "blockbuster"), who presides over an underground band of rebel mutants hellbent on - well, it's not entirely clear. Defying oppression and kicking ass, I guess.

You see, in this installment, the government has come up with some sort of X-gene antidote, which, when administered to a mutant, renders them "normal"-no more superpowers, punky hair color, or blue skin. The announcement of this miracle "cure" spurs instant controversy, with many mutants voicing whole-hearted offense at the very notion that they need a cure, and a few, like Anna Paquin's Rogue (she's the one who can't help but kill anyone she touches), enthralled by the promise of normalcy. Magneto is incensed by the development, and sets out recruiting every wayward mutant he can find to form a super army of pissed-off weirdos. The immediate goal is to find and destroy the source of the "cure," which happens to be a young boy mutant whose super-power is eradicating other mutants' superpowers simply by being near them.

So, sounds like fun, right? Plus, it's highly pertinent, being a perfect metaphor for discrimination against homosexuals. Well, maybe not perfect, but the parallels are certainly there. Several times in the flick, mutants rant heatedly about how they don't need a "cure," expressing disgust at the notion that their state of being is an affliction of some kind. If it is a metaphor, how are we to view the dissent of Rogue, who eventually does receive the antidote - voluntarily? I guess I shouldn't push the whole homosexual parallel too heartily.

Basically, I have three main problems with this movie, and I'll go ahead and list the least of them first, since I already kinda mentioned it: this movie could have been a rich political metaphor, and it's not. The whole normal/diseased debate is at the forefront of the plot, sure, but they don't do anything with it. No law is passed requiring mutants to get "cured" - the antidote is merely made available to whomever might want it. Which makes the ensuing battle betwixt mutants and humans kind of befuddling - hey, yo, what's the big? Get inoculated or don't, it's your choice. Supposedly, the mutants were super concerned that this new development would lead to legislation involving mandatory inoculations, or whatever. But it's not a possibility the movie really explores.

What they do explore is a war between humans and mutants, as Magneto decides to get rid of the whole antidote issue before it becomes an obligatory fact of life. Basically, he sets out recruiting wayward (read: incarcerated) mutants to join his rebel army so that they can storm the government lab where the antidote is being produced and kill the boy mutant who provided the "cure." This brings me to problem number two, which is that you're basically gonna spend the first hour-plus of this flick waiting for the movie to, in the parlance of our times, get its war on. For much of the flick, we're subjected to predictable lectures and annoyingly soap-operatic dialog concerning the conflict between mutants and humans - tedious posturing totally devoid of patented Marvel brand action. The final twenty minutes or so do get on with well-paced aplomb, but by that point, you've waited so long for the money shots that your ass is sore and your mind numb.

Complaint number three is applicable to any number of movies nowadays, but I believe it's an e-special problem in your four-on-the-floor Hollywood moneymaker movie: an abundance of actors that are far more pretty than they are compelling. Sure, Stewart, McKellan, and the ever-charismatic Hugh Jackman (as Wolverine, du-uh), turn in fairly riveting performances. But so the majority of the cast here - and this movie has a big 'un - is so much scenery dressing. I felt like I was watching an episode of , what with all the pretty faces - Ben Foster, James Marsden, Halle Berry - striking empty poses and rendering their already flimsy dialog (it is a comic book movie) dumber than it would of sounded if someone with a hint of reality about themselves had said it. Oh, I almost fergot - Anna Paquin ain't bad - given better material (a director who knows how to play with what he's got), she could probably knock your socks off.

Did I say three beefs? Perhaps I meant four. Director Brett Ratner dropped the ball, man. The sets were cheesy, the costumes laughable, the pacing non-existent. Fire this guy.