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2006 World Cup: A Soccer Primer for Americans

by Christopher McIntosh
04/19/2006

You knew it was coming.

It's that time again, the once-every-four-years where the average American sports fan is subjected to coverage of foreign men in brightly colored shirts kicking a ball around a field in a (frequently vain) attempt to place the ball in the goal. It's kind of like hockey, but without the fights, mullets, or the ehh-you-betchas.

And the ice.

There are generally two reactions among Americans to this.

One, holy cow, the World Cup is finally here. Two years of qualifying and now it comes down to three games in roughly a week to determine if we get a shot at winning it all. I can barely contain my excitement. My schedule will be determined solely around my team's games and I fully expect compliance by everyone in my midst, but frankly I could care less because my happy bottom will be plastered to a chair, drinking beer before noon and rooting on my team deliriously.

Two, why are these men in shorts interrupting coverage of the NBA finals, NFL mini-camp, and most importantly, baseball? Who cares? And isn't this game primarily for middle class suburbanites, soccer moms, and girls with a penchant for hazing?

I'm firmly in the first camp. I'm counting down the hours to the first game (Germany vs. Costa Rica) despite the fact that I have no real rooting interest in the game unless you count my girlfriend's German lineage, my fascination with VW commercials and the Big Lebowski, or the German team looking like they just rolled eleven six foot Aryan gods off an assembly line. Plus, the inevitability of a German-Poland match within the week on German soil makes me giggle.

Unfortunately, I realize that my country men and women tend to fall squarely in the latter camp. With that in mind, rather than break down Bruce Arena's tactical genius (and the difficulties facing him in this particular World Cup), which has made him one of the second longest tenured coaches in the world, I have a few tips for those of you who are just trying to cope with the next four weeks and not look like an American exceptionalists whenever co-workers, friends, or colleagues bring it up.

1. Glossary of terms. There are no soccer games, regardless of what the announcers tell you. There are soccer matches. Just like tennis and other more refined sports, the beautiful game is a 90 minute match. Although that's not technically correct, because it's not precisely 90 minutes. Instead of a clock that counts down like most American sports, the time is kept on the field at the discretion of the referee. And his timer counts up, not down. Once it reaches either 45 or 90 minutes (depending on whether it's the end of the first or second half) it's up to his discretion to add time based on the time wasted on "injuries," the ball being kicked in the stands, and trilingual shouting matches between players on different teams and officials.

Under no conditions should you ever refer to a goal as a point. Goals are scored by putting the ball in the back of the net. They do not earn points as a result. Points are earned, but only through wins, losses, and ties (three, one, and zero, respectively). The number of points determines who moves on. The number of goals determines who wins the match in question.

2. If you are not in the know you are on the outside. There are quite literally billions watching this tournament. That's billion's with a 'B.' If every single man, woman, and child in America watched a sporting event we might crack a third of a billion. Imagine how important an athlete like Derek Jeter, Shaquille O'Neal, or Brett Favre is. Now multiply that by about 20. Then do it again. Now you've come somewhere close to where a national team star from a lesser power like Sweden is (e.g., Henrik Larssen), let alone a country like England, Brazil, or France. These players are traded back and forth between countries for tens of millions of dollars, not between cities for a couple draft picks and some cash.

To put it in music terms, Shaq is Skid Row. Memorable, talented for it's specialty and never to be forgotten. Ronaldinho is U2 or the Rolling Stones. He is the reigning world footballer of the year for the second year in a row. Think Steve Nash crossed with AI with a little bit of the And1 mix tape thrown in. Ronaldinho does things with the ball that make world class professional footballers either look embarrassed or simply shake their heads in amazement.

The man is a genius. Literally. He does things that no one else would think of during the biggest games on the planet. To wit, he basically eliminated Chelsea - the most expensive team on the planet with an owner who is probably Russian mob, with enough money and clout to buy and sell George Steinbrenner (unless of course, he wanted him offed, which isn't out of the question) - by employing a samba move that so scared the defender he literally froze in shock. He then followed this by kicking the ball with his toe into the bottom corner of the net. The goalkeeper didn't move.

What makes it even more crazy is that every player from age five on is taught, do not, under any circumstances, kick the ball like an old school place kicker. Kick it with any other part of your foot, but don't use your toe. American football players use their toe in pickup games, not world icons.

He did, though, kick it with his toe, and Chelsea was gone from the semifinals of the biggest tournament in Europe.

3. There is not a lot of goal scoring. Get over it. Ties happen. (Glossary check - ties do not happen, draws do). If you're interested in scoring, watch Phoenix Suns reruns or read Wilt's biography. Things you should watch for which should impress you:

A. Tackles. Americans believe soccer is not a contact sport. They are wrong. Basketball is almost considered a contact sport. If you grab a jersey, you get a technical. If you knock a guy to the ground, you're probably getting an intentional foul and possibly starting a fight. Tackling in soccer is an entirely different story. Players are allowed to run full speed at a player, stick one leg out and poke the ball away while the rest of their body collides full speed into the player they are tackling. Some of these players are six foot four, built like tight ends. They don't allow tripping in the NFL for a reason. World Cup tackling is basically a trip (so long as you get the ball first). You do the math.

(Note: The diving thing is overrated. Camera angles make it hard to see contact, plus slow motion replays don't convey the speed at which these guys are moving. One knock off stride and they are going down. It's not a dive. It's physics. Usually.)

B. Dribbling. AI can do some sick stuff with the ball. So can the Professor, Rafer Alston, and Jason Williams when he's off the Pat Riley-ganja leash. Watch Cristiano Ronaldo of Portugal. He will positively embarrass players with moves that are so slick you can't help but be amazed. He's so flashy his coach is about to lose his mind, but he's so talented, he can't be stopped. Ronaldinho is so good that he has a move that has both been named after him and appears to defy physics (check out this Google Video search for "flip flap"). Messi, Robben, and others will amaze you if only you'll let them. Unlike basketball, these moves do not always result in goals, but they are a sight to behold. And if you don't think they're impressive, get a ball, go out back and try and do one at a tenth of their speed. Don't hurt yourself. I'm not liable.

C. Goal Celebrations. Chad Johnson has set the bar high. He is the closest thing to a soccer celebration the average sports fan has seen. The river dance was brilliant, as was changing the football like a baby, and his tribute to Tiger Woods was beautiful. As already acknowledged, goals do not come often. There are eleven players on a team. Some players are international stars and go for ten years while scoring less than five goals in total. The odds that you will score in any particular game are not good. You are only guaranteed three matches in the World Cup. If you score, you are pretty darned psyched. I mean 40-year-old-virgin psyched. But you've only got one chance to celebrate, as your fans and your country explode. Shockingly, teams occasionally practice these things. Some of the more notable ones have been the pancake (where the team dogpiles the goalscorer), the dancing with the corner flag, the mimed shining of the shoe that scored the goal, as well as some more infamous ones like a Nigerian player crawling on all fours up to the corner flag and lifting his leg as if he were a dog marking it as his territory.

*Special note to baseball fans - this is not showing up the other team because the celebration is all positive. It is about the goal itself, not the fact that they did anything to the other team. The rest of the world gets this distinction, but somehow baseball players, and some American fans, don't. Exuberance is good. Making fun, bad. Soccer players usually know the difference.

4. Teams to watch.

Brazil - The players go by one name. They are, as one writer put it, "head, shoulders, and half a torso," above the rest of the field. This team is good. Real good. Really, really, really good. Imagine the Phoenix Suns with Amare healthy, Kobe Bryant, Dwayne Wade, LeBron, and Chris Paul. They have no less than seven players who can attack. They may win all of their games by three or four goals, if so motivated. If the name begins with R, watch them (Roberto Carlos, Ronaldinho, Robinho, Ronaldo) - one of these players will do something spectacular at some point.

England - They speak our language, they claim to have invented the game, and they are fielding the best team in a generation, even with the questionable fitness of a young Wayne Rooney. They also boast a striking core that consists of a man coming off a metatarsal fracture of some months ago, a man who will not be at one hundred percent for the same reason except his was weeks ago, a seventeen year old who has never played in the top division of English football, and a six foot seven striker who looks like a robot and decided to celebrate a goal by attempting said dance. And failed.

They do, however, have a core of players in the center of the park that is absolutely unmatched. I'll be rooting for them. As will most Americans.

Holland - This team is always talented. This year is no different. For some reason they are star crossed and don't seem to live up to their potential. But their orange uniforms are pretty darned cool. Watch Arjen Robben, who could have a breakout World Cup, especially considering Americans don't want to look at Ruud Van Nistelroy, the other striker of note, because he resembles the five horse in the Belmont.

Spain - remember your experience in high school Spanish? Seemed easy enough to succeed at, but somehow you always underperformed (okay, failed). Pretty much sums up their experience. Always talented. Always favored. Always underachieves. Don't expect this year to be any different.

5. Rooting for the United States. I've left this for last for a reason. This is difficult to take for the average American sports fan, but I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Our team is prodigiously talented, compared to 2002. We lost in the quarterfinals and according to the god of German soccer (Franz Beckanbauer), we got robbed.

We are a much, much better team with players orders of magnitude better at key positions.

We also may not make it out of our group. It's also not inconceivable that we could come in dead last. We start against the Czechs, who are a strong team who shocks you with aggression, aggression, and still more aggression. Kind of like Paris Hilton, without the sex tapes. We lose that game, then we have to play perennial world power Italy - a team who would be favored against our first round opponent, the Czechs. Lose that game and then we've got Ghana for nothing but pride. They likely will be playing for the same thing, but we'll have lost a lot more by eliminating ourselves before the third match, so it could be ugly.

That being said, South Korea and Turkey made it to the semifinals last year. If we can win our group (break out the rosary beads, people) we can avoid a round of sixteen match up with Brazil (which would be almost certain death and probably embarrassing) and then it's on like Donkey Kong.

The game is beautiful. Enjoy it. Don't dissect it, don't look for stats, don't try and solve it.

Enjoy it.

More than two billion others can do it, so why can't we?