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Here Comes The Boom: Rating Closer Theme Songs

by Christopher McIntosh
10/18/2006

I love closers.

Most Atlanta Braves fans couldn't pick our closer out of a lineup. And that's presuming they'd want to identify them for anything other than heaping scorn (and violence) upon their unsuspecting heads.

In other words, I've got a bad case of closer envy.

The purist in me hates the idea of a pitcher whose sole role is to come in to pitch one inning. As the White Sox official Grinder Rules indicate: "There are no starting pitchers, only finishing pitchers."

I also hate the fact that managers have started to play to a stat that didn't even exist forty years ago - choosing to wait until the score and the game is close enough for a "save situation" necessitating the use of their "closer."

Presumably the closer is the best pitcher you've got in the bullpen, so why not use them at some point other than the end? I understand saving dessert until last, but that seems a poor basis for baseball strategy.

Okay, now that I've gotten my George Will/Bob Costas moment out of my system, I'd like to return to my original point.

I love closers.

I love closers for a lot of reasons, but mostly I just love the songs that precede their entrance into the game. They've got theme songs. And I want one.

This is no small issue - Billy Wagner and Mariano Rivera use the same song, "Enter Sandman." New Yorkers are up in arms over this. Of course, it doesn't take much to get New Yorkers agitated. I would insert a joke here, but I'm a small, slight, Southerner who doesn't want to have to deal with a couple of guys named Vinnie wanting to "discuss" my commentary in person.

Closers are typically power pitchers who look a little bit crazy and have nasty, nasty stuff. Batters get tired at the end of those four hour marathon games that seem to populate MLB these days (another story for another day) and bringing in a young pitcher with 95+ fastball is a sound strategy.

But no matter how good a closer is, they are by definition walking the edge between success and failure.

And by failure I mean insanity.

To wit, we knew John Rocker was batsh*t insane even before his choice analysis of the population of the New York subway system. He'd come charging in from the bullpen and start twitching like a committed schizophrenic dealing with voices telling him which pitches to throw. He'd play with his glove, chuck the rosin bag at the mound like it was somehow possessed, and continually rub his face an average of 3-5 times between pitches with his gloved hand.

The fact that he looked like Marmaduke didn't help.

Closers are always on the edge. Two reasons. One is obvious - they are the thin line between a win and a loss for their team. They have one and only one job.

Get three outs.

That's it.

Think about it. They can't do anything to win the game. All they can do is prevent their team from losing.

And if they lose, it pretty much falls on their shoulders.

Mentally, it's tough.

That may be the understatement of the month. Remember Brad Lidge and his pitch to Albert Pujols in game six of the NLCS that landed somewhere in Dallas? Or the next outing when he blew another save. That boy wasn't right for a good six months.

What about Byun Hyung Kim? Two straight blown saves in the World Series to the Yankees. Ironically enough, both Lidge and Kim were part of the eventual series winning teams - Kim's incompetence was inexplicably matched by perhaps the greatest closer in history (Mariano Rivera) blowing a game seven to hand the world championship to the Arizona Diamondbacks.

Worthy champions.

Was great to see another NL expansion team win the World Series.

Really.

I'm not bitter.

Not even a little bit.

Honestly.

The second problem for closers is that they typically are power pitchers and, to put it bluntly, a bit nuts.

Power pitchers are great when they're on. A 95+ fastball can blow a batter away.

But if a power hitter catches up to it, as Kevin Costner put it, "anything that goes that far should have a stewardess on it."

Mentally, closers need to be psyched and ready to go immediately. Anything less than three up and three down is going to grate on the fans, the managers, his teammates, and his nerves.

Given the closer's disposition, if those extra baserunners add up to a blown save, you might want to avoid clock towers for the next couple of days.

Which brings me back to the original point.

Hitters have taken to playing music prior to their at bat - presumably to psych themselves up for the upcoming battle with the opposing pitcher.

Their is just one problem. There isn't enough time for the song to really kick in and do its job.

But for closers...

Typically they come in at the end of an inning and have the entire time between the end of one half inning and the next to rock the stadium (and themselves) with their theme song.

Personally, I think we should adopt this for all aspects of life - going to the store, visiting your in-laws house, or, most importantly, entering a bar.

To answer the obvious question, I'd choose the theme from Shaft or the theme from the slow motion opening of Reservoir Dogs.

But for closers, this isn't a parlor game to be played over shots at your local bar, but an important part of their game.

This is serious business and requires proper preparation and a well-executed plan.

A good closer theme has four elements.

1. It pumps you (the closer) up.

2. Intimidation/insanity

3. Fan response

4. Personal appropriateness

One is self explanatory. Two is a matter of intimidation. The average closer is fireballer - letting the other team think that they're one mistake from catching a 95+ kiss in the earhole doesn't hurt. Letting them think that you're mentally unstable enough that it might not be a mistake doesn't hurt either. Three is also self-explanatory - bringing the heat is a whole lot easier with 35000+ fans going nuts. It also speeds up the hitter's bat, setting up your offspeed pitch better.

Four is key, but can't be taken too far. One closer whose last name was Jones came into Counting Crows, "Mr. Jones." Appropriate, but fails on every other count (and is conspicuously about drugs).

Those are my criteria and I'm sticking to it.

So who measures up?

First, to deal with the New York "controversy," Wagner has been using the "Enter Sandman" song since 1996 which precedes Rivera's usage by years, but given Rivera's near mythical status among closers he might be able to claim that he can do whatever the hell he damned well pleases and take it.

Wagner, though, is a short man from Texas who can inexplicably bring it at 98 mph. Somehow I don't see him giving it up without a fight.

On the first three counts the theme works, but is a little dated, considering that in the years since there has been a documentary showing Metallica members crying in a group therapy session and Lars Ulrich whining about his music getting "stolen" by Napster et al. Kind of takes away from the intimidation/crowd thing.

On count four, though, it definitely fails. Sharing a theme with your cross-town rival is like dating your friend's ex-girlfriend. There's nothing wrong with it technically, but it still ain't right.

It could be a lot worse, though.

Colorado's Brian Fuentes once thought he was coming into his usual song, but found himself trotting into the Village People's "YMCA."

Yes, that "YMCA."

Given baseball's historical acceptance of, umm... alternative lifestyles, I don't think "YMCA" created exactly the intimidation he was looking for.

AC/DC's "Hell's Bells" is a perennial favorite and works on all levels. The haunting bells, the screeching vocals/guitar, and the immediate recognition by the crowd all rank high on my criteria, but it's become almost a cliche, although I will make an exception for Trevor Hoffman, but it always struck me as an odd choice considering his best pitch wasn't a 95+ fastball but a changeup. But you can't use "Puff, the Magic Dragon" either, no matter how "appropriate" it is.

John Smoltz used AC/DC as well, which was odd given his avowed and outward Christianity - you'd think devil music would be off limits - but he relied on "Thunderstruck," not "Hell's Bells." It's intimidating, has a lengthy instrumental intro to allow the crowd to get into it, and was one hundred percent appropriate given the way he pitched. As a starter he mixes his pitches like the winningest postseason pitcher you'd expect, but as a closer there were days where it appeared he decided not to throw anything but fastballs. Fastballs that came with something extra since he only had to go ten-fifteen pitches. Problem was, he doesn't come out on top because he's no longer a closer and Thunderstruck didn't seem to catch on with the crowd.

Not that the Braves fans are exactly known for their enthusiasm.

I think there are two out and out candidates for number one today.

Before I get to that, though, Jonathan Papelbon gets an honorable mention for "Wild Thing" but that song, like Jackie Robinson's number, has been retired, league-wide. I realize it wasn't his choice and was voted on, but after Mitch the Pitch (and his prodigious mullet) adopted it, no one else could take on that mantle. It's obviously the gold standard and the benchmark by which all other themes should be measured. The crowd goes nuts, it was in Major League, Charlie Sheen's character still inspires closers (check out K-rod and Gagne's goggles), Mitch Williams was nothing if not wild, and it intimidated the other team. No one, not even Mitch knew where the pitch was going to end up. A perfect ten as far as I'm concerned.

That being said, I've got it down to two. Eric Gagne and Bobby Jenks.

Gagne comes into "Welcome to the Jungle." He pitches in LA - the song/video is the story of a young Axl Rose heading to the City of Angels seeking fame and fortune. Points for geographical appropriateness. The guitar riff at the beginning is not haunting, but demands your attention and sounds like something out of a horror flick. And the message conveyed in those opening bars is captured in the opening lyric.

"Welcome to the jungle, baby. You're going to die!"

It pumps me up just thinking about it, so I can only imagine what it does for the goggled Canuck. The crowd goes bonkers, and the combination of the two plus his heat makes batters think twice about digging in too close to the plate. Points on all four criteria.

Strong.

Strong, like bull.

Bobby Jenks, however, comes into a lesser known song by P.O.D, titled, and I can't make this up, "Here Comes the Boom."

Bobby Jenks is the round White Sox closer who looked at one point like he was going to drink his career away.

The song could be a reference to his fastball. Could also be a reference to the sound the ground makes as he trots to the mound. Bobby rarely misses a meal and let's just say the White Sox uniforms aren't exactly slimming.

I believe I'm the only person on Earth who's seen the video for this song, but they made the song knowing that it's potential for a stadium anthem was so great that they went ahead and parodied it themselves in the video by portraying themselves in a knock down, drag out, dramatic...

Ping-pong tournament.

It came complete with slow-motion shots, grimacing faces, and Seles-like grunts.

You've got to hear it to believe it. Everyone on the Southside loves Bobby Jenks. Grandmothers think he looks like their grandson. Southsiders think he looks like the guy they saw at the end of the bar on a random Tuesday night, or the guy standing in line behind them at Portillo's waiting to get a hot dog.

When this song comes on and big Bobby comes rumbling out of the bullpen, the crowd loses it.

Plus, the refrain includes the following:

"Here comes the boom."

"Ready or not, here comes the boys from the South."

Given the sudden emergence of the White Sox, the geographical and bodily appropriateness, crowd reaction, it ranks high on all criteria. Plus, I give it points for originality. This song is great, but didn't exactly burn up the charts. Someone did their research.

I've got Jenks winning this one by a gut.

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